Post-traumatic creative growth
For various financial reasons, I am in the process of dusting off old freelance projects to update my ~~corporate~~ branding portfolio.
For years, I have dreaded re-entering the industry that traumatized me.
On the affirming side, I was recently told by a more experienced creative that if you ever get to the point in a job where you HATE what you’re doing — you have to leave. No matter what. And I was proud to tell them that’s exactly what I did. I left, I ended up here, learned A FUCKTON, and have no regrets.
Yet here I am, flipping back through all the work I used to cringe just thinking about. Some of it I straight-up blacked out on, because I was so depressed and dissociating.
But I’m happy to say that past Sharon has truly astounded me.
Looking back now, I am so PROUD of work I once resented and truly despised. Years later, with all of the emotional charge dispersed, I can finally see that a lot of it was REALLY GOOD.
I am SO good at what I do, DESPITE the circumstances and messiness and complicated feelings around it. I used to feel that so little of it was worthy of sharing. Creatives are told to share the work we want more of. And I wanted NONE of this.
For so long, I let my experience of creating the work, the pressure and fear that I felt in the trenches of it, completely cloud my perception of the result. Until this month, I couldn’t bear to look at so many of these projects, and it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to consider them as they are: truly some of my best work.
Now, I have the space to notice that I didn't create work of this quality because I put myself through hell — I created it despite being in hell.
After recalibrating my own expectations of myself and my boundaries as an entrepreneur, I can now lay all of my old stories around that work to rest… and pick up where I left off, eyes wide open. With new self-knowledge. Clear and well-tested boundaries. Higher standards, not just just for how others treat me, but how I treat myself.
And, finally, EXCITEMENT to potentially get to make things that millions of people will see again. This time, on my own terms. This time, with an understanding of what exactly I am willing to do — or not — despite what is asked of me.
To quote an eclipse season post from @feminnis: WOW, MY CHARACTER ARC IS WILD.
Any good vibes towards my portfolio overhaul and job hunt are deeply appreciated!
(Swail Studio isn’t going anywhere, and if you or anyone you know is hiring ongoing design support on a part-time or full-time basis — let me know!)
